Wednesday, August 23, 2006

I'm Right, You're Wrong, We Lose

To continue on with this week's spirit of love and healthy relationships, today's topic is about how to disagree without causing irreparable damage to your twosome.

We've all been there. The day is going swell, then all of a sudden you find yourself in the middle of an argument with your person. Not only are you in an argument, but he/she is telling you that you are 'WRONG' for feeling the way you do. Now, your incensed, how can your feelings be wrong?? You feel attacked and defensive. Even if you make up later, there is now a small chink in the armor of your relationship. Instead of a twosome guarding itself against the world, now, you feel like you've got to guard yourself a little bit from this person that claims to care about you. This is soo not a good place to be.

The rule I follow is this: Facts can be challenged, feelings can not.

If we play scrabble, and you come up with a word that I've never seen before, I can challenge that word. As part of the challenge, we can look up the word in an agreed upon standard source, the dictionary. The dictionary will prove that the word exists. The challenge is over. I know there may be times when the word is in the unabridged version or whatever, but, that's tangential to the topic. There is a standard source that can prove or disprove facts.

Feelings are another thing altogether. There is no standard feeling source. Each of us is made differently and molded uniquely by our circumstances and experiences. So, you and I may witness the same event and still feel differently afterwards. Neither of us is 'RIGHT' in our feelings. They are both right, maybe just different. Sometimes people try to pull in their friends and family as that standard source. The logic in doing that is flawed. The liklihood of your friends and family agreeing with your perception is very great because they probably have similar circumstances and experiences as you. Comparing your perception with that of your main squeeze is like comparing apples and oranges, they are different, but they both have nutritional value. One is not better than the other, in fact, you should probably include both in your diet.

The odds are, you got with your person because they complemented you. They have a perspective that is slightly different than yours. Instead of trying to beat them into submitting to life as you know it, embrace the differences. If you don't you'll both miss out on a significant opportunity to learn and grow.

The next time you have a disagreement with your main squeeze, think about this post. If you insist on being right, you leave no choice but for your person to be wrong.

Do you really want that?


1 comment:

Luv said...

Dang Penni. Your posts just seem to get better each day.