Monday, October 25, 2010

Loyalty is NOT Always a Good Thing

I am not sure if I'm embarking on a mid life crisis or what, but lately I have had the most profound epiphanies.

The other day I was cleaning out my nightstand. I keep a bunch of stuff in there, bills, old gift cards, cards that I bought for people but never gave them and old journals.

I haven't journaled with pen and paper in a few years. I think I stopped because I got tired of reading about my life. It was the same isht, just different names and different dates. This blog is an evolution of my journalling.

I consider myself a very loyal person. I haven't loved many people, but the few that I have I really rode with. They may have gotten on my nerves or hurt my feelings or taken me for granted, but I always went back to them.

I try to have a mature view of love. People disappoint, but that doesn't mean you should stop loving them. Maybe you just take a break for a while.

Or at least that's what I used to think. My position is still being formed, but now, I'm starting to think that kind of love is more about being stubborn. What if loyalty for me means, 'I'm gonna love you anyway'? I can see situations where this may be a good thing. But, I'm getting to a point where it makes sense for me to pack my love up and deliver it to someone that appreciates it.

One of the themes that kept playing out over and over again in my journals was this kind of stubborn love. A love that said,

"I couldn't have been wrong about you. You seemed worthy of my love so, I'm gonna stick with you until you become who I thought you were."

What if I was wrong? What if you aren't really a good person? What if you are really a self absorbed jerk? What if I believed what I wanted to believe and not what really was?

This fierce loyalty that I've always been so proud of seems to be more about me than the object of my loyalty. What am I trying to prove to myself?

And on the flipside, a loser knows when he or she is a loser. So when I find all of this virtue in them, they're either looking at me like a mark or like I'm crazy.

I've got to unpack this more but maybe I could stand to be a little less loyal.



*This post is about loyalty/love in a romantic situation, BFF or family member.

Today Was a Good Day!

Today I started a new job. Thank God!

I had been with my old company for a long time. For the last 18 months, I experienced the most horrific workplace drama ever. Each night I would pray that God gave me strength and grace to deal with the situation without getting fired. The economy was in the first official stages of the Great Recession and I felt like I was fortunate to at least have a job, so I was not in a hurry to do anything to jeopardize it.

Looking back on it. I behaved like a house slave. I was treated horribly, but because I knew people in worse situations, I felt like I should be grateful. What complete and utter bullshit.* I kept thinking back to the time when I was fired out of the blue. I felt devastated then and I honestly didn't think I could get through that again.

Well, after my most recent performance rating decision, I started seeing things clearly. I started thinking that not only did I not deserve to be treated with such blatant disrespect, but I could do better! I know now that was divine inspiration. Sometimes you just need The Most High to yank you by the collar be like,

'Fool what are you doing?'**
'This is not the path that I set for you. You keep hitting roadblocks because I want you to go the OTHER WAY!"

So, one day it all just seemed really clear. I needed to make a move. Create a plan. Complete step 1 of that plan.

I'm about 3 steps in now I finally feel like I'm swimming downstream.



*I didn't mean to be blasphemous in a testimony post, but 'crap' just isn't passionate enough.
*Yes, Jesus is my homeboy and he speaks in urban colloquialisms.

Monday, October 04, 2010

Don't Get All Hyperdermic

Today, I'm working from home. The traffic was horrendous, so I made a u-turn and decided to camp out at my dining room table today.

So, I'm sitting here, doing my work with the TV on in the background. I know, don't judge me. One of 'the judges'* shows was on. A woman was suing her car maintenance man. In his rebuttal, he was describing the animated behavior the woman displayed in his place of business. He said, 'Yeah, your honor, she came in there all hyperdermic.'

The judge said, 'Was she hypodermic or hyper?'

'Yeah, hyper. Or whatever you want to call it.'

My advice to you this week is be easy and don't get all hyperdermic about stuff!


*the judges - my Grandma categorizes Judge Brown, Judge Judy, Judge Greg Mathis, etc as the judge shows. Judge Hatchett is 'that pretty judge'.

Friday, October 01, 2010

Hubris...and Eddie Long

I have been following the Eddie Long scandal. Isn't it amazing how the sanctified chorus (the leaders of the other prominent mega churches) have decided to 'reserve judgement' until that man is found guilty in a court of law. These guys took the same stance when Weeks beat his wife in the parking lot. The brotherhood sticks together like glue.

Ultimately, this is the story of a man that may have abused his power and position and influenced people that trust him into doing his will, not HIS will.

This story isn't about the Bentley, the mansion, the muscle shirts, the Ph.D from an unaccredited school or even the curly toupee.

I don't understand why the man didn't just make a public statement declaring that 'I didn't do it. Those boys are lying on me.' Instead he blamed it on 'the devil'. It would've been more sincere if he had blamed it on the Henny, Goose or just said that the 'tron had him in a zone.

The devil is an easy scapegoat and it absolves the humans in this story of any responsibility. I wonder if the Bishop* considered that maybe this is the Lord's doing. God has a way of shining light in dark places and allowing people to be exposed so that they might do better or get help.

Hubris is arrogance in the face of the Gods. It starts out with a person rationalizing that his personal feelings are really messages from God. It distorts your perception, making you think that those thousands of people every Sunday are coming to see you and what you think or have to say and not to hear what God has to say. It makes your vision blurry, causing you to use extra large font for your name on the church sign. Hubris is a tape worm of the psyche. It feeds on everything and leaves you still hungry for more.

Hubris is the opposite of humility.

I hope that Mr. Long uses this scandal as a true 'come to Jesus' moment. I hope that he takes some time off, to reflect on how he can be a more humble man and megaphone for God.

...and I hope those boys win their case, get help from a therapist and are able to forgive Eddie in the Long run.


*Since when did Pastors become Bishops? Isn't a Bishop over a group of churches and a Pastor leads one. Or do mega churches count as multiple single churches? Not being funny, I don't get it.