Wednesday, June 18, 2008

African American Water Torture

So, there's this guy that I went out with a while ago. He was really nice, helpful, smart, good job, all the stuff a woman looks for. But, homeboy didn't even get to first base.

Talking to him was like sitting outside in a torrential downpour that happened one drop at a time.

Here's how today's convo went...

'How's your day going?'
'Pretty good, no complaints. Yours?'
'Yeah, I'm good.'
5 minute pause

'You have big plans for the evening?'
'Nope, no 'big' plans.'
'Ok, how about medium? LOL'
I'm not making this up, y'all!
'Nope, I'm chillin.'
5 minute pause

'We should have lunch or dinner or something soon.'
'Great. Whenever you are up to it. *wink*'

Just ask me out already!

This is the kind of guy that would ask you if he could kiss you. (and not in that BIG kind of way.) Dayum, if you have to ask, then maybe we don't need to be kissing. Are you going to ask me if it's ok to whip it out too?

Cheese N Crackers!

Isn't there a medium? One where the guy is not a player and not slow?


Thursday, June 12, 2008

Black and White People Make Pretty Babies

That is what he said.

We were sitting on his couch, looking through his photo album. In it, I found a series of pics of a blonde haired little boy playing with his son. He told me that blondie is his nephew.

Was that pride in his voice?

"Really? Is your sister white" I said.

"No. She's married to a German guy."

He looks white doesn't he?

I picked up the pic and looked at it closer.

He actually has 'black features. The blonde hair threw me off. Not many black people have cornsilk colored wavy locks. Even his very fair complexion doesn't take him out of the 'black' category.

So, then he commented about how cute the little boy is. I agreed.

Then, he said, 'I've always thought that Black and White people make the prettiest babies.'

I burst out laughing.

He wanted to know what was soo funny.

Surely he had to be joking.

Apparently, he was not.

So, I engaged him.

'Why do you think biracial children are so cute?'

'I know what you're going to say, it's because of the hair and skin color. But, that's not it. I think the mixture of the features is really cute.'


'Yeah! But, you're 'Miss Natural', so you probably won't agree.'

Before responding, I had to replay all of our interactions through my mind's eye. When we first met, he said that he didn't like natural hair on black girls. I explained to him my philosophy about black girls learning to love what they are, without alteration. He knows I'm quite passionate about it.

Eventually, when he saw my hair in its natural state, he said that he liked it...that it wasn't like an afro. Could it be because my hair product mojo was working well that day and my curls weren't frizzy like they are right now? He's also commented many times about how beautiful he thinks I am. Could it be because my nose and lips are narrower than his, the strong reddish hue in my skin or because my eyes have a subtle epicanthal fold. To him, am I just pretty for a brown girl?

I snapped back to the moment.

I told him that he's not alone in his thinking. Mainstream America thinks that a person that is just a little bit black is attractive. That 'je ne sais quoi' is African. He denied that was the case. I reminded him about the black man's obsession with Kim K (who - while Armenian, is still considered white by my company's EEOC department), J. Lo, Vida Guerra and the bevy of other non-black 'models' that have graced the cover of black men's magazines advertising their very African assets.

I'm not hating, pretty is pretty, and I know that there are alot of black men that find black women, that look like them, attractive and desirable. I was just trying to get THIS black man to think about WHY he thought a particular set of physical attributes are more desirable.

Alas, I dropped it. I've learned to pick my battles. I certainly can't get a grown man to see the world differently all in one conversation.

Then, as if to prove he's not whitewashed, he said, 'It's not like I'm caught up on white people. I actually think Asians and Blacks make really cute babies too!'



Wednesday, June 11, 2008

My Best Side

Remember back in the day, before you'd take a picture, you'd say to the photographer, 'Wait, make sure you get my best side.' and then you'd proceed to turn your face from side to side, testing out your right, then, left profile.

Now, when a woman wants to get her best side photographed properly, she turns away from the camera. Yep, you guessed it, she turns away from the camera, props her booty up and then tries to turn her head far enough toward the front so that enough of her face is in the picture to identify the proud owner of that illustrious backside.


Even girls with noassatall are doing this now. I saw a pic of Hef's girlfriend Kendra the other day online. Poor thing, had her back arched so much she darned near looked like a boomerang. I thought her little bobble head would surely pop right off after that much tension.

Imagine the kindergarten class photos that are a result of this trend: Most of the little boys are smiling (we all know boys stop smiling in photos somewhere around middle school) and all of the little girls are facing the back of the room.

I won't go on my rant about the ubiquity of misogynistic music videos, poor self esteem and similac. You all know the drill.

I'll just say STOP IT!

As my grandma would say, 'Have some pride about yourself!'

Are your assets really your best side?


Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Who's Your Go-To Person?

So, I just got off the phone with TNG and he asked me to do something that required a girlfriend caucus decision (at least in my mind).

I hung up with him and then picked up the phone to dial. But, like Ghostbusters, who was I going to call? Y'all already know about my limited (or concise - glass half full) cadre of friends. The first one, if I called her, the call would go straight to voicemail and by the time she got back to me, TNG might be history. The second, she'd say, 'I don't know girl. What do you think?' Uh, that's why I'm calling you! The third, she'd probably offer good advice...eventually. Usually, during one of my long stories (do I have that many?) her other line would ring and she'd have to call me back. There's nothing that can take the wind out of your sails better than that dayum call waiting.

Sure, they mean well. I can't be mad at them. People do have their own lives to live, right?

But, what about me?

Who's going to be my go-to person? Sure, TNG is cool and all. But, he's not my best girlfriend, nor do I want him to be. And I can't always wait until our weekly SATC happy hour to vet things with the girls. Somethings demand immediate attention.

Maybe I'm slow. Maybe you're not supposed to need a go-to person after a certain age. Have mine expired like that chocolate soymilk in my fridge?

Sure, I'm self sufficient. Does needing a go-to person mean that I'm not? I don't ask for advice often. Doesn't that count for something?

Maybe I can put an ad on Craig's list for an occasional go-to person. I wonder what the rates are for that. They sell everything on eBay, has anybody seen ads for a go-to person?

In the meantime, TNG is waiting for me to call him back with a response. I've got to go. I think my mom is home from work by now.