Monday, October 02, 2006

First Date Don'ts from My Archives

A friend of mine was prepping for a first date last week. While we were talking about his plans, I gave him tips based on some of the worst dates I've been on. I figured I'd share my top 3 bad dates/outings with all of you.

Go easy on the ketchup.
Mr. Ketchup and I went to a popular pizza restaurant for dinner. When the waitress came over and asked if we wanted an appetizer. He asked for the restaurant's appetizer sampler platter. I whispered to him that I didn't want an appetizer. He said, 'that's cool. This is for me.' I said, 'the whole thing?' he said 'yeah'. Not wanting to judge, I proceeded to order my food. When the appetizer platter came, the guy asked the waitress for ketchup. I looked at him b/c I had never known anyone to put ketchup on loaded potato skins, buffalo wings and mozzarella sticks. When I asked him about it, he just said, 'I like ketchup.' Alrighty then, the plate was covered in ketchup, I could barely see the food underneath.

The moral of the story: Show your good table manners. Save the ketchup finger licking for a later date. While you're at it, put a little distance between your face and your plate.

Poop at home.
Mr. Poop got his name because after eating the dinner he prepared at my place, he disappeared into my bathroom for about 20 minutes. Now, I don't keep magazines in my bathroom. I like to get in and get out. I'm not much for lounging on the toilet. So, after about 7 or 8 minutes, I went near the door and asked if everything was alright. He said yeah, so I went back to watching TV, but, I was thinking, 'This fool is gonna have to get his Poop Butt up outta my place.' How do you tell someone that you don't want to see him anymore because he had a BM on your first date? I couldn't figure it out, so, I just stopped answering his calls. I figured after 3 calls, he'd get the message. Unfortunately, he didn't. He proceeded to call me about once a week for about 6 months.

Moral of the story: Go at home. If you absolutely HAVE to poop at your date's house before y'all are comfortable with each other. Please PLOP & FLUSH immediately, that minimizes the smell.

187 is not just a number.
Many years ago, my girl and I had gone out to a club to dance our booties off. While we were there, we ran into some of her friends from back in the day. The guys seemed cool in a friendly kind of way, not in a romantic way. At least for me, there was no love connection. Since we were having fun bugging out, we decided to go get some after the club food. So, we're sitting up in IHOP and we all started talking about work and stuff like that. Then dude proceeds to tell me that he's trying to make a new life for himself. I'm all about positivity, so I was like, 'yo, that's cool.' Then, he said that he had been 'away' for a while. Being the sheltered nerd that I am, I said something like, 'oh, were you on vacation?' Dude proceeds to tell me that he had been locked up. Now, I understand how our brothers can get caught up in the system for dumb stuff, I asked him what he was in for. That's when he told me that he had 'taken somebody out' but 'it was justified'. I immediately lost my appetite and started ducking every time a car drove by the restaurant window slowly. He and his friend asked my girl, 'yo, what's up with your girl?' I said something dumb like 'I get seizures when I'm sleepy'. As soon as we were out of there, I reamed my girl for having me hang out with ex-cons. Now, whenever I meet any of her friends, I'm sure to ask her how she knows them and if they've done any time.

Moral of the story: Keep the first date light. Feel the person out first before spilling your sordid history.

Dates are all about making a good first impression, especially first dates. So, relax and be yourself. Save your bad habits til at least the 2nd date. :-)


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