Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Credits Please!

I have very strong scorpio tendencies. The good ones...I'm fiercely loyal. I would never and have never cheated on a boyfriend. I keep my friends' secrets. I feel things deeply or not at all. Luke warm is not a term that someone who knows me would use to describe me. And the not so good... Bad experiences get stuck in my craw like teeny splinters get stuck in your feet. And I hold grudges.

The grudges, I'm totally working on. The funny thing is, I can be going along with my life, being happy and productive and then, something will remind me of a person that lied to me, betrayed me, cheated on me or just plain did me wrong...and my good mood is immediately blown. Being the ever over analyzing scorpio that I am. I decided to pick apart my feelings. Why is this still bothering me? "I thought you were over that", I'll say to myself.

Then, I realized that the situations that cause me the most post traumatic stress are the ones that happened too quickly for me to respond. Or the ones where I didn't find out what really went down until much later. In at least one case, a couple of years later. This left me feeling like I didn't have closure. So, maybe that gut-wrenching feeling I get is because I can't express my feelings on the situation. It's like I'm in a slow motion silent movie. My mouth slowly opens to speak and then I'm zapped frozen. Trapped in that moment until the credits roll.

I don't really know. I'm sorting this out as I write. I just had one of those moments and I'm trying to figure out how to fast forward this flick and get out of this movie.


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