Musical Soul Mate

I stan for Kanye. Like I know he's been known for saying some wild isht, but I love that he's fearless when it comes to exposing himself. (I don't mean the nudie pix floating around)

I used to say that I can't wait to see what he's up to when he turns 30. Now, I am looking forward to seeing how he's grown by the time he reaches 40. That combination of introspection mixed with maturity will be unstoppable.

Now, if only he would start dating brown girls...

Loyalty is NOT Always a Good Thing

I am not sure if I'm embarking on a mid life crisis or what, but lately I have had the most profound epiphanies.

The other day I was cleaning out my nightstand. I keep a bunch of stuff in there, bills, old gift cards, cards that I bought for people but never gave them and old journals.

I haven't journaled with pen and paper in a few years. I think I stopped because I got tired of reading about my life. It was the same isht, just different names and different dates. This blog is an evolution of my journalling.

I consider myself a very loyal person. I haven't loved many people, but the few that I have I really rode with. They may have gotten on my nerves or hurt my feelings or taken me for granted, but I always went back to them.

I try to have a mature view of love. People disappoint, but that doesn't mean you should stop loving them. Maybe you just take a break for a while.

Or at least that's what I used to think. My position is still being formed, but now, I'm starting to think that kind of love is more about being stubborn. What if loyalty for me means, 'I'm gonna love you anyway'? I can see situations where this may be a good thing. But, I'm getting to a point where it makes sense for me to pack my love up and deliver it to someone that appreciates it.

One of the themes that kept playing out over and over again in my journals was this kind of stubborn love. A love that said,

"I couldn't have been wrong about you. You seemed worthy of my love so, I'm gonna stick with you until you become who I thought you were."

What if I was wrong? What if you aren't really a good person? What if you are really a self absorbed jerk? What if I believed what I wanted to believe and not what really was?

This fierce loyalty that I've always been so proud of seems to be more about me than the object of my loyalty. What am I trying to prove to myself?

And on the flipside, a loser knows when he or she is a loser. So when I find all of this virtue in them, they're either looking at me like a mark or like I'm crazy.

I've got to unpack this more but maybe I could stand to be a little less loyal.

Holla

PB

*This post is about loyalty/love in a romantic situation, BFF or family member.

Today Was a Good Day!

Today I started a new job. Thank God!

I had been with my old company for a long time. For the last 18 months, I experienced the most horrific workplace drama ever. Each night I would pray that God gave me strength and grace to deal with the situation without getting fired. The economy was in the first official stages of the Great Recession and I felt like I was fortunate to at least have a job, so I was not in a hurry to do anything to jeopardize it.

Looking back on it. I behaved like a house slave. I was treated horribly, but because I knew people in worse situations, I felt like I should be grateful. What complete and utter bullshit.* I kept thinking back to the time when I was fired out of the blue. I felt devastated then and I honestly didn't think I could get through that again.

Well, after my most recent performance rating decision, I started seeing things clearly. I started thinking that not only did I not deserve to be treated with such blatant disrespect, but I could do better! I know now that was divine inspiration. Sometimes you just need The Most High to yank you by the collar be like,

'Fool what are you doing?'**

'This is not the path that I set for you. You keep hitting roadblocks because I want you to go the OTHER WAY!"

So, one day it all just seemed really clear. I needed to make a move. Create a plan. Complete step 1 of that plan.

I'm about 3 steps in now I finally feel like I'm swimming downstream.

Holla

PB

*I didn't mean to be blasphemous in a testimony post, but 'crap' just isn't passionate enough.

*Yes, Jesus is my homeboy and he speaks in urban colloquialisms.

Don't Get All Hyperdermic

Today, I'm working from home. The traffic was horrendous, so I made a u-turn and decided to camp out at my dining room table today.

So, I'm sitting here, doing my work with the TV on in the background. I know, don't judge me. One of 'the judges'* shows was on. A woman was suing her car maintenance man. In his rebuttal, he was describing the animated behavior the woman displayed in his place of business. He said, 'Yeah, your honor, she came in there all hyperdermic.'

The judge said, 'Was she hypodermic or hyper?'

'Yeah, hyper. Or whatever you want to call it.'

My advice to you this week is be easy and don't get all hyperdermic about stuff!

Holla

*the judges - my Grandma categorizes Judge Brown, Judge Judy, Judge Greg Mathis, etc as the judge shows. Judge Hatchett is 'that pretty judge'.

Hubris...and Eddie Long

I have been following the Eddie Long scandal. Isn't it amazing how the sanctified chorus (the leaders of the other prominent mega churches) have decided to 'reserve judgement' until that man is found guilty in a court of law. These guys took the same stance when Weeks beat his wife in the parking lot. The brotherhood sticks together like glue.

Ultimately, this is the story of a man that may have abused his power and position and influenced people that trust him into doing his will, not HIS will.

This story isn't about the Bentley, the mansion, the muscle shirts, the Ph.D from an unaccredited school or even the curly toupee.

I don't understand why the man didn't just make a public statement declaring that 'I didn't do it. Those boys are lying on me.' Instead he blamed it on 'the devil'. It would've been more sincere if he had blamed it on the Henny, Goose or just said that the 'tron had him in a zone.

The devil is an easy scapegoat and it absolves the humans in this story of any responsibility. I wonder if the Bishop* considered that maybe this is the Lord's doing. God has a way of shining light in dark places and allowing people to be exposed so that they might do better or get help.

Hubris is arrogance in the face of the Gods. It starts out with a person rationalizing that his personal feelings are really messages from God. It distorts your perception, making you think that those thousands of people every Sunday are coming to see you and what you think or have to say and not to hear what God has to say. It makes your vision blurry, causing you to use extra large font for your name on the church sign. Hubris is a tape worm of the psyche. It feeds on everything and leaves you still hungry for more.

Hubris is the opposite of humility.

I hope that Mr. Long uses this scandal as a true 'come to Jesus' moment. I hope that he takes some time off, to reflect on how he can be a more humble man and megaphone for God.

...and I hope those boys win their case, get help from a therapist and are able to forgive Eddie in the Long run.

Holla

*Since when did Pastors become Bishops? Isn't a Bishop over a group of churches and a Pastor leads one. Or do mega churches count as multiple single churches? Not being funny, I don't get it.

Rachel No

So, one of the reality shows that I have been sucked into is the Rachel Zoe project. I was drawn in because of the fabulous clothes. Let's face it her showroom is the closet of my dreams.

This season, I can barely stomach her though. In the beginning I thought her self deprecation and push and pull relationship with Rodger was interesting. Now, that self deprecation is more clearly categorized as self esteem issues. Sure, it must be ego blowing to be around all of these people that the magazines say are the most beautiful this or that, but Rachel basically fawns all over every tall, skinny mini that she comes in contact with. Its weird. I know they call it Hollyweird for a reason, but watching this show is like seeing broadcasts from Bizarro world.

I won't even mention the sadness that is her boney frame. You NEVER see her eating. There is lots of coffee but, Brad (her assistant) needs to get her a sandwich STAT!

In the most recent episode, she and her husband get into it because he wants to start a family and she keeps coming up with excuses for not getting it crackin'. If he stays with her past this year, I would be surprised.

Frankly, she'd probably be fine with him leaving, that way she could spend more time with her Chanel blazers without being under the gaze of his judgmental eye.

Holla

Apologies - I'm Back Now

Friends and Strangers - I hope you are all well.

It's been such a long time. I'm sorry to have just fallen off like that. But, I think now, my life is at a stage where I can pick this back up.

I was feeling like I didn't have anything new to say, same old experiences, same old BS.

Here's the update...

Social Life -

That guy that fell in love with me..."Whatever dude" was my unspoken reply. He was so full of shizzle. We had great chemistry. Could talk and bug out about anything. But, then my scorpio sense kicked in and I started picking up little inconsistencies between what he said and what he did. I set out to find out what he was lying about. Eventually, I did and I dropped him. Lesson = Just because someone is grown, doesn't mean he's mature.

He's still saying that he loves me. But, I honestly don't think he knows what that means. That's done-zo. I'm dating new folks.

Work

Still at that big consulting firm, although not for much longer. Over the past 18 months, I've experienced a level of hate and -ism (race or sex - its hard to tell) that has been crushing my spirit. I can't believe I stayed in it for soo long. I'm sure I started believing some of the crap I was being fed. But, something happened recently that just shook me to my core and then what I needed to do became crystal clear. I'm making plans to move on. "Give us FREE!"

Life

I'm going to be making a 180 next year. By the end of next year, I'm going to be doing something COMPLETELY different for a living, living somewhere else and probably loving someone new. I'm very excited about the changes and I'll keep you all posted as each development occurs.
This month I've begun to lay the groundwork and it is very exciting.

I look forward to bringing along my old friends and maybe picking up some new ones along the way.


Holla

PB