The other day I was cleaning out my nightstand. I keep a bunch of stuff in there, bills, old gift cards, cards that I bought for people but never gave them and old journals.
I haven't journaled with pen and paper in a few years. I think I stopped because I got tired of reading about my life. It was the same isht, just different names and different dates. This blog is an evolution of my journalling.
I consider myself a very loyal person. I haven't loved many people, but the few that I have I really rode with. They may have gotten on my nerves or hurt my feelings or taken me for granted, but I always went back to them.
I try to have a mature view of love. People disappoint, but that doesn't mean you should stop loving them. Maybe you just take a break for a while.
Or at least that's what I used to think. My position is still being formed, but now, I'm starting to think that kind of love is more about being stubborn. What if loyalty for me means, 'I'm gonna love you anyway'? I can see situations where this may be a good thing. But, I'm getting to a point where it makes sense for me to pack my love up and deliver it to someone that appreciates it.
One of the themes that kept playing out over and over again in my journals was this kind of stubborn love. A love that said,
"I couldn't have been wrong about you. You seemed worthy of my love so, I'm gonna stick with you until you become who I thought you were."
What if I was wrong? What if you aren't really a good person? What if you are really a self absorbed jerk? What if I believed what I wanted to believe and not what really was?
This fierce loyalty that I've always been so proud of seems to be more about me than the object of my loyalty. What am I trying to prove to myself?
And on the flipside, a loser knows when he or she is a loser. So when I find all of this virtue in them, they're either looking at me like a mark or like I'm crazy.
I've got to unpack this more but maybe I could stand to be a little less loyal.
*This post is about loyalty/love in a romantic situation, BFF or family member.