From: The Women's Valuation Society
I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?
The bad news?
Black women, the numbers are in and they show that your value has fallen to less than a nickel. This valuation may increase to as much as 25 cents per pound if you have visible white heritage. Due to high demand, we are offering as much as a dime for visible asian heritage. We don't care which kind of Asian. We just value the long shiny hair. The slanty eyes are a bonus, but we're not really willing to pay extra for that. Unfortunately, your value will not increase no matter how educated you are. But, any sort of drug or rehab attendance will decrease your value by at least 2 cents.
The good news is that white woman's value has been steadily increasing. You've had a great year, despite some minor setbacks(Britney). We are able to offer $100 per pound for those of you with a 'brazilian' booty. Yes, we know that Brazil has the highest population of African descendents outside of Africa. But, when we think of Brazil we'd prefer to think of Giselle Bundchen. For those of you with pancake booties, don't worry, with a set of implants, a la Pam Anderson, we'd be glad to price you at $95. We don't care that they are fake or that Pam looks like a troll without makeup. We're superficial and we've been brainwashed. So, just go with it. At the lower end of the spectrum, we can only offer $75 for those of you on drugs. Unfortunately, the erratic behavior associated with drug use reminds us too much of 'the sistahs'. So, we can not value you as highly. But, as soon as you come out of rehab and start acting like the white princess you are, we'll promptly increase your value to previous levels.
Now, if you are a dead, drug addict (prescription pills only) with a few kids and questionable paternity issues, we are able to offer $85 per pound. But, rest assured that as soon as the haze clears, we can elevate your value back up to your prior highest point in the last 5 years. With this in mind, we'd like to ask Anna Nicole's representative to withhold from contacting us until the first anniversary of her death.
The Women's Valuation Society