Alicia Keys says she waited a year before having sex with her boyfriend. Read about it.
Alicia Keys made boyfriend Kerry 'Krucial' Brothers wait a year for sex because she is "too beautiful" to give herself to someone she is unsure of.
The longtime songwriting duo have kept their romance closely under-wraps but Keys reveals the grueling test she forced the producer to undergo.
She says, "I made him wait a year because my body is too beautiful to be violated by someone who doesn't deserve it."
Pasted from <http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2006/08/14/boyfriend_had_to_wait_one_year_for_sex_w?referer=MGToolBar>
When I first read about it, I thought, 'Good for her, she has a healthy sense of self respect.'
However, when browsing a messageboard that was discussing the topic, I saw so many people that hated on her for this decision.
The comments ranged from, who does she think she is, putting herself on a pedestal to 'gee that's cool, I wish I could've waited that long.' I started to think about why people had such varied reactions. If Alicia does in fact 'put herself on a pedestal', is that a bad thing? Why are people threatened by that? You can put yourself on a pedestal too, right?
Will people think that she has the right to put herself on a pedestal because she's pretty? Can only cute light skinned girls make men wait? If she holds herself in high esteem, does that mean she thinks she's better than anyone else? I don't think so. But, people take it that way. On the one hand the world tells young women to believe in yourself, respect yourself and demand respect from others. On the other hand, the message is, if you mention the value you have for yourself, you're bragging.
You can be confident and have a high sense of self esteem but just realize that people that aren't as lucky are going to hate on you. But, if you are considered less attractive or have some obvious 'flaw', the masses root you on. We all like the underdog. It's unfortunate that us women compete with each other so much when it comes to things like this. How many times have you gotten bad advice from someone that you later realize was jealous of you. Howmany times have you been mean mugged by some woman while you were out.
mini-vent ahead...
In fact, this just happened to me on Friday. I went out to eat at this Thai restaurant, while there, I noticed a couple sitting near our table. They had this really interesting dish on their table. A huge pineapple filled with what looked like rice or noodles and meat. We remarked about the dish to ourselves. I made eye contact with the female, but kept it moving. Afterwards, we went to the ice cream shop. Of course that couple was in line ahead of us. I would look up and catch the woman staring at me. Her date up until this point was not paying me any attention, so it wasn't one of those situations. This chick checked me out from head to toe and then back to head again. I started to go over to her and introduce myself since her eyes were boring a hole into my outfit. In the beginning I smiled at her. By the end of the night I had a look on my face that said, 'WTF?' I'm purposely not going to comment on her hair and outfit or describe what I was wearing. I don't think that matters. It was just that typical female stare-down that girls do to other girls. It really pissed me off because I thought it was soo unnecessary.
...end of mini-vent
Maybe this is why there are so many women that say, 'I hate women. I prefer to hang out with guys.' I guess that could be one way of avoiding the situation. But, I believe that in relationships, romantic and otherwise, you tend to get what you put out there. If you're a good girlfriend, you'll probably find yourself surrounded by good girlfriends. If you're judgemental, critical, competitive and insecure, you'll probably notice that trait in the females you hang out with. Like attracts like. And as much as I value my guy friends, they can't take the place of my female counterparts. There has to be a balance.
So, ladies, it's alright to smile at other ladies when you are out, especially if you're going to stare. And if you like her outfit, say so, don't just stare, it's uncomfortable.
Holla
Monday, August 14, 2006
Another Monday
Another Monday has come around far too quickly. Even though I slept in the morning, I'm still not fully 'here'. Why can't I program myself to rev up quicker? I guess it is what it is. I'll be back later.
Holla
Holla
Friday, August 11, 2006
The Truth is Optional
When you register for certain websites or online subscriptions, just before you click the 'Submit' button, there are usually a few optional features you can choose to add to your registration. You can choose to receive a newsletter or you can choose to receive offers from similar vendors, or a host of other things.
I recently realized that life comes with those same buttons. You can choose to get the truth or not. Up until a few months ago, it never occurred to me that a person would not WANT to know the truth.
Yeah yeah, your mind just jumped to that movie where the guy says, 'You can't handle the truth.' Truer words have never been said.
Determining what the truth is really depends on your belief system. If you are a Christian, the truth for you is probably based on the teachings in the bible. That's your standard. If you are a Muslim, the truth lies in the Koran. Trying to figure out whose truth is true will take you on a long existential roller coaster ride. A ride that we're not going to take today.
The trickiest truth is the personal truth. These are things we tell ourselves every day. I am smart. I am ugly. I am a victim. Men are stupid. Women are gold-diggers. The more you tell yourself these things, the more you will believe them. No matter how un-true they really are. It's important that we understand the implications of our thoughts. They shape us, our actions and our choices.
So, what do you do when a friend has a litany of personal truths that you think are negatively affecting their well-being. If you care about the person, you'll probably want to tell them. It's that same protective reflex that happens when you see a baby about to eat something it shouldn't.
"Stop, you are not a victim." "You are a very capable person." "You can recover from a bad choice."
What comes next could be very frustrating and upsetting. The believer of this truth will feel threatened by your words. You are negating a belief that they've probably held for years and that they have faith in. From the outside looking in, you can't understand how someone could just not SEE it. This cycle can repeat itself for years.
My mom told me that sometimes people don't want to know the truth. They hear what you are saying, but, they've got a very comfortable system and how dare you challenge it! They also think that you just don't know THEM. "If you knew the whole story you would understand."
I thought about that for a while and it was like a light bulb went off in my head. That's it! The truth is in fact optional. People can function and have seemingly productive lives all within the confines of the 'Truth' they've set up for themselves. They can sometimes even be happy in their untrue-ness.
So, that got me thinking about my own Truths. What are my personal truths? How do they measure against the truths of my faith? What un-truths am I perpetuating in my own life?
On my life registration, I'm checking the box for truth!
Are you?
Holla
I recently realized that life comes with those same buttons. You can choose to get the truth or not. Up until a few months ago, it never occurred to me that a person would not WANT to know the truth.
Yeah yeah, your mind just jumped to that movie where the guy says, 'You can't handle the truth.' Truer words have never been said.
Determining what the truth is really depends on your belief system. If you are a Christian, the truth for you is probably based on the teachings in the bible. That's your standard. If you are a Muslim, the truth lies in the Koran. Trying to figure out whose truth is true will take you on a long existential roller coaster ride. A ride that we're not going to take today.
The trickiest truth is the personal truth. These are things we tell ourselves every day. I am smart. I am ugly. I am a victim. Men are stupid. Women are gold-diggers. The more you tell yourself these things, the more you will believe them. No matter how un-true they really are. It's important that we understand the implications of our thoughts. They shape us, our actions and our choices.
So, what do you do when a friend has a litany of personal truths that you think are negatively affecting their well-being. If you care about the person, you'll probably want to tell them. It's that same protective reflex that happens when you see a baby about to eat something it shouldn't.
"Stop, you are not a victim." "You are a very capable person." "You can recover from a bad choice."
What comes next could be very frustrating and upsetting. The believer of this truth will feel threatened by your words. You are negating a belief that they've probably held for years and that they have faith in. From the outside looking in, you can't understand how someone could just not SEE it. This cycle can repeat itself for years.
My mom told me that sometimes people don't want to know the truth. They hear what you are saying, but, they've got a very comfortable system and how dare you challenge it! They also think that you just don't know THEM. "If you knew the whole story you would understand."
I thought about that for a while and it was like a light bulb went off in my head. That's it! The truth is in fact optional. People can function and have seemingly productive lives all within the confines of the 'Truth' they've set up for themselves. They can sometimes even be happy in their untrue-ness.
So, that got me thinking about my own Truths. What are my personal truths? How do they measure against the truths of my faith? What un-truths am I perpetuating in my own life?
On my life registration, I'm checking the box for truth!
Are you?
Holla
TGIF- 8/11/06
What a long week this has been. I have my company picnic this weekend. It's catered, I sure hope the food is good. Other than that, I hope to get some sleep and maybe hit a lounge or something. What're you up to?
I watched the season finale for MTB 3 - Danity Kane's live performance. I wasn't really feeling it. I liked their practice sessions more. It could've been b/c of the sound. I also watched Run's House. I really love that show. I think Justine is soo hilarious. She doesn't try to be funny, she just is!
Holla
I watched the season finale for MTB 3 - Danity Kane's live performance. I wasn't really feeling it. I liked their practice sessions more. It could've been b/c of the sound. I also watched Run's House. I really love that show. I think Justine is soo hilarious. She doesn't try to be funny, she just is!
Holla
Thursday, August 10, 2006
What are we?
In this age of the 'hook-up', I've found that people are really confused about the status of their relationships. And to make matters worse, they feel embarrassed about even feeling confused. To take it one step further, some people are hesitant to even call the situation they are in a relationship as that implies some level of commitment. So, to help my sisters and brothers out, I've defined the words used in our dating vocabulary.
Communicate
Everyone says that the key to a good relationship is communication. Of course this is true. But, I think it's important that we start with a basic definition of what it means to communicate.
Here's how the word is defined in Webster's Dictionary.
Main Entry: com·mu·ni·cate
Pronunciation: k&-'myü-n&-"kAt
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): -cat·ed; -cat·ing
Etymology: Latin communicatus, past participle of communicare to impart, participate, from communis common -- more at MEAN
transitive verb
1 archaic : SHARE
2 a : to convey knowledge of or information about : make knownb : to reveal by clear signs
3 : to cause to pass from one to another
intransitive verb
1 : to receive Communion
2 : to transmit information, thought, or feeling so that it is satisfactorily received or understood
3 : to open into each other : CONNECT
Pasted from <http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/communicate>
I think most of us get stuck at 2a, under SHARE. We think that because we've shared the information with you, we have effectively communicated with you. However, I'd like to bring your attention to the second #2, "to transmit information, thought, or feeling so that it is satisfactorily received and understood." Thus, it's not just about sharing with you. I have a responsibility to make sure that what I've shared has been interpreted in the way in which I intended.
It's that extra step that we often neglect, the follow-through. However, we can be quick to say that someone misunderstood us or they are 'just not getting it'. If they aren't getting it, maybe you aren't sending it in the best way. Just a thought.
Communication Hierarchy
2. On the phone - Even though we think a person is important and we value them, sometimes, geography, work or something else may prevent us from interacting with them in person. Occasionally, the phone is the next best thing.
4. Email - Email works when you can't use the phone and showing up in person is not an option. For example, if you're at work all day. You can still reach out to your person via a thoughtful email. A simple "Hey, what's up?" email might not cut it all of the time. Take this cyber opportunity to say something heartfelt. But be careful, as with all written forms of communication, they can be easily misconstrued.
5. IM/Chat - Let's just be real. You can NOT hold a real conversation on IM. The purpose of IM is to send a quick message. "I'll be there at 8." "I got home ok." This is NOT the place to ask, "So where is this relationship going?"
6. Voice Mail - Some people think they are slick. They ONLY call when they KNOW that you aren't going to be able to pick up the phone. These people are sending you a subliminal message. "I don't want to talk to you." "You are not high enough on my priority list to try to actually reach."
Now, some people are going to get offended because the communication in their relationship mainly takes place on IM. Or they have an excuse about why they live in the same town as their person and they've only talked on the phone for the 6 month duration of their relationship. I'm going to nip that in the bud by saying this,
PEOPLE MAKE TIME FOR THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO THEM.
Case closed.
End of story.
Courting
However, even though I can see why people might jump to the conclusion that 3 dates = we're dating. It is basically the same word, right? Ultimately, I think there is tremendous value in actually having a discussion with the person about your relationship status. It's better to have one uncomfortable conversation one month in than have one even MORE uncomfortable conversation after 4 months of you thinking y'all are an item.
Hanging Out
I hang out with my girlfriends. I may even hang out with my boyfriend. But I do NOT hang out with the new guy. The new guy and I go out on dates. Hanging out is too casual. If you start off ordering pizza and watching movies on cable, you can't expect him to know that you like to get dressed up and eat out on dates. Everyone wants to protect their feelings in the beginning and no one wants to jump into anything. But why is it so threatening to call the preliminary outings dates?
Hooking Up
I define a hook up as a physical interaction that occurs between two consenting people with no expectation for future responsibility or commitment. Ladies especially, make sure that 'date' you think you are on is not a 'hook up' to him. It all goes back to communication doesn't it? Ask the hard questions before you get naked. It's too easy to rationalize behavior once you're feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. :-)
Boyfriend
A boyfriend is a guy that has agreed to see you exclusively. The operative word here is agreed. You can't go around calling someone you're boyfriend if he hasn't identified himself as that. I have a friend that said to me once, 'Well he may as well be my boyfriend. We act like boyfriend and girlfriend." They also communicate primarily via IM. You figure that one out.
Girlfriend
See boyfriend. Ladies, it is important to not act like a girlfriend if you are just hooking up or hanging out. You are playing yourself.
Marriage
When two people stand before God and witnesses and proclaim to love and be true to each other for the rest of their lives, that’s called marriage. If y'all are living together and have been for 10 years, even though the law in your state says that y'all have a 'Common Law Marriage', you are NOT married. Having the piece of paper DOES make a difference.
Wife
It's very popular now for guys to call the woman they are seeing, 'Wifey'. For the record, a wife is the female half of a married couple. Just because you act like a wife, doesn’t mean you are one. Why isn't there a similar slang term for men, 'Hubby'? Ladies, think about this.
Break-Up
Ok, so the relationship did not work out and the two of you have a conversation about your options and decide that it would be best to part ways. That's a break up.
Break-Off
A break off occurs when you and the person you are involved with just kinda slip out of each other's lives. There's no conversation, no confrontation, no argument. The visits cease, the calls become less and less and the emails switch to only forwards. You can try to turn this into a break-up but, is it really worth it?
It's obvious that the person does not hold you in high enough regard to communicate their intentions to you. And let's be real, break-offs don't have to be a bad thing.
Sometimes when this happens, the relationship was new. Y'all met on the internet. You went out a few times. Then, the two of you realized that you didn't have much in common. One or both of you decided to move on. Do you really need a sit-down in this situation? Probably not. Just keep it moving.
Dumped
When you are dumped you know it because 3 things can happen.
1. You are surprised. You didn't see this coming AT ALL. The person just flipped the script on you seemingly overnight.
2. They argue with you and you have no idea what they are talking about. It's like they took a Mandarin immersion class and you missed out.
3. They don't give you a chance to state your position. They don’t give you this opportunity because they've already made up their mind to leave. Nothing you say is going to change that.
I hope the definitions to these common dating terms help you to be more successful in your future relationships. It's all about helping one another. If you can think of any other dating terms to add to our dictionary. Let me know.
Holla Back
Communicate
Everyone says that the key to a good relationship is communication. Of course this is true. But, I think it's important that we start with a basic definition of what it means to communicate.
Here's how the word is defined in Webster's Dictionary.
Main Entry: com·mu·ni·cate
Pronunciation: k&-'myü-n&-"kAt
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): -cat·ed; -cat·ing
Etymology: Latin communicatus, past participle of communicare to impart, participate, from communis common -- more at MEAN
transitive verb
1 archaic : SHARE
2 a : to convey knowledge of or information about : make known
3 : to cause to pass from one to another
intransitive verb
1 : to receive Communion
2 : to transmit information, thought, or feeling so that it is satisfactorily received or understood
3 : to open into each other : CONNECT
Pasted from <http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/communicate>
I think most of us get stuck at 2a, under SHARE. We think that because we've shared the information with you, we have effectively communicated with you. However, I'd like to bring your attention to the second #2, "to transmit information, thought, or feeling so that it is satisfactorily received and understood." Thus, it's not just about sharing with you. I have a responsibility to make sure that what I've shared has been interpreted in the way in which I intended.
It's that extra step that we often neglect, the follow-through. However, we can be quick to say that someone misunderstood us or they are 'just not getting it'. If they aren't getting it, maybe you aren't sending it in the best way. Just a thought.
Communication Hierarchy
Once you've understood what it means to communicate, you can then rank the modes of communication. I call this the Communication Hierarchy and it is outlined below.
1. In person - This is the highest mode of communication. This says, I think you're important enough to put you in my schedule.
1. In person - This is the highest mode of communication. This says, I think you're important enough to put you in my schedule.
2. On the phone - Even though we think a person is important and we value them, sometimes, geography, work or something else may prevent us from interacting with them in person. Occasionally, the phone is the next best thing.
3. A letter/Card - This method of communication is becoming increasingly rare with the advent of technology that lets you say it quicker. However, actually taking the time to compose a letter to express yourself speaks volumes about the esteem in which you hold the other person. It's also pretty significant to actually go to CVS and pick out a card to express yourself. We can't all be good with words, so a card is a good runner up.
4. Email - Email works when you can't use the phone and showing up in person is not an option. For example, if you're at work all day. You can still reach out to your person via a thoughtful email. A simple "Hey, what's up?" email might not cut it all of the time. Take this cyber opportunity to say something heartfelt. But be careful, as with all written forms of communication, they can be easily misconstrued.
5. IM/Chat - Let's just be real. You can NOT hold a real conversation on IM. The purpose of IM is to send a quick message. "I'll be there at 8." "I got home ok." This is NOT the place to ask, "So where is this relationship going?"
6. Voice Mail - Some people think they are slick. They ONLY call when they KNOW that you aren't going to be able to pick up the phone. These people are sending you a subliminal message. "I don't want to talk to you." "You are not high enough on my priority list to try to actually reach."
Now, some people are going to get offended because the communication in their relationship mainly takes place on IM. Or they have an excuse about why they live in the same town as their person and they've only talked on the phone for the 6 month duration of their relationship. I'm going to nip that in the bud by saying this,
PEOPLE MAKE TIME FOR THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO THEM.
Case closed.
End of story.
Courting
Courting is dating with the intention of determining if you two are well suited for marriage to each other. Basically it's dating with purpose.
Dating
Dating
This one has been debated a lot and I can see both sides of the equation. One school of thought is that dating is what happens between two people that have decided to see each other exclusively on a regular basis. The other side says that dating occurs when you go on a series of dates (quality outings) with a person. Typically whether or not you are having sex will affect your perception of the seriousness of the relationship.
However, even though I can see why people might jump to the conclusion that 3 dates = we're dating. It is basically the same word, right? Ultimately, I think there is tremendous value in actually having a discussion with the person about your relationship status. It's better to have one uncomfortable conversation one month in than have one even MORE uncomfortable conversation after 4 months of you thinking y'all are an item.
Hanging Out
I hang out with my girlfriends. I may even hang out with my boyfriend. But I do NOT hang out with the new guy. The new guy and I go out on dates. Hanging out is too casual. If you start off ordering pizza and watching movies on cable, you can't expect him to know that you like to get dressed up and eat out on dates. Everyone wants to protect their feelings in the beginning and no one wants to jump into anything. But why is it so threatening to call the preliminary outings dates?
Hooking Up
I define a hook up as a physical interaction that occurs between two consenting people with no expectation for future responsibility or commitment. Ladies especially, make sure that 'date' you think you are on is not a 'hook up' to him. It all goes back to communication doesn't it? Ask the hard questions before you get naked. It's too easy to rationalize behavior once you're feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. :-)
Boyfriend
A boyfriend is a guy that has agreed to see you exclusively. The operative word here is agreed. You can't go around calling someone you're boyfriend if he hasn't identified himself as that. I have a friend that said to me once, 'Well he may as well be my boyfriend. We act like boyfriend and girlfriend." They also communicate primarily via IM. You figure that one out.
Girlfriend
See boyfriend. Ladies, it is important to not act like a girlfriend if you are just hooking up or hanging out. You are playing yourself.
Marriage
When two people stand before God and witnesses and proclaim to love and be true to each other for the rest of their lives, that’s called marriage. If y'all are living together and have been for 10 years, even though the law in your state says that y'all have a 'Common Law Marriage', you are NOT married. Having the piece of paper DOES make a difference.
Wife
It's very popular now for guys to call the woman they are seeing, 'Wifey'. For the record, a wife is the female half of a married couple. Just because you act like a wife, doesn’t mean you are one. Why isn't there a similar slang term for men, 'Hubby'? Ladies, think about this.
Break-Up
Ok, so the relationship did not work out and the two of you have a conversation about your options and decide that it would be best to part ways. That's a break up.
Break-Off
A break off occurs when you and the person you are involved with just kinda slip out of each other's lives. There's no conversation, no confrontation, no argument. The visits cease, the calls become less and less and the emails switch to only forwards. You can try to turn this into a break-up but, is it really worth it?
It's obvious that the person does not hold you in high enough regard to communicate their intentions to you. And let's be real, break-offs don't have to be a bad thing.
Sometimes when this happens, the relationship was new. Y'all met on the internet. You went out a few times. Then, the two of you realized that you didn't have much in common. One or both of you decided to move on. Do you really need a sit-down in this situation? Probably not. Just keep it moving.
Dumped
When you are dumped you know it because 3 things can happen.
1. You are surprised. You didn't see this coming AT ALL. The person just flipped the script on you seemingly overnight.
2. They argue with you and you have no idea what they are talking about. It's like they took a Mandarin immersion class and you missed out.
3. They don't give you a chance to state your position. They don’t give you this opportunity because they've already made up their mind to leave. Nothing you say is going to change that.
I hope the definitions to these common dating terms help you to be more successful in your future relationships. It's all about helping one another. If you can think of any other dating terms to add to our dictionary. Let me know.
Holla Back
A Good Day Turned Bad
So, on my way home from work last night 5-0 pulled me over when I was a few blocks from my destination. I was pissed because 1. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong and 2. I was a few blocks from home. Give me a break.
So, I roll down the window and say to the cop.
"What are you pulling me over for?"
He said, "Give me your license and registration and I'll discuss that with you."
So, I pull my license out and I can't find my registration in my glove compartment.
"Here's my license. I don't have my registration on me."
"You don't have your registration?"
"No. I don't have my registration on me."
He proceeds to tell me that he pulled me over because I almost hit him. He and I both saw this other car jump into my lane and I swerved to avoid hitting that car. I guess I jumped in his lane as a result. I explained that to him.
He agreed that was how it went down.
So, I'm thinking, why the heck are you sitting here talking to me then. Shouldn't you be bothering the real bad driver?
Long story short, he runs my license. Finds nothing and comes back to give me a 'warning' and no tickets. I was glad that I didn't get a ticket but, I was pissed that he had tried to ruin what was an otherwise good day.
Oh, and the other bad thing that happened was that I saw Ashton. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't think he was the biggest jerk since 2003. Everytime I think about his jerkdom I want to spit. Of course, there are two sides to every story. Unfortunately, he never tried to communicate his side. Oh well, life goes on but you can't escape Karma.
So, I roll down the window and say to the cop.
"What are you pulling me over for?"
He said, "Give me your license and registration and I'll discuss that with you."
So, I pull my license out and I can't find my registration in my glove compartment.
"Here's my license. I don't have my registration on me."
"You don't have your registration?"
"No. I don't have my registration on me."
He proceeds to tell me that he pulled me over because I almost hit him. He and I both saw this other car jump into my lane and I swerved to avoid hitting that car. I guess I jumped in his lane as a result. I explained that to him.
He agreed that was how it went down.
So, I'm thinking, why the heck are you sitting here talking to me then. Shouldn't you be bothering the real bad driver?
Long story short, he runs my license. Finds nothing and comes back to give me a 'warning' and no tickets. I was glad that I didn't get a ticket but, I was pissed that he had tried to ruin what was an otherwise good day.
Oh, and the other bad thing that happened was that I saw Ashton. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't think he was the biggest jerk since 2003. Everytime I think about his jerkdom I want to spit. Of course, there are two sides to every story. Unfortunately, he never tried to communicate his side. Oh well, life goes on but you can't escape Karma.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself
Back in the day, there were several actions that would garner you a 'You should be ashamed of yourself!' from your elders.
Back in the day...
"Mom, here's my report card. I got all D's and only one F."
"ONLY ONE F. There's no such thing as ONLY ONE F. Why did you get an F? You should've studied more. You should be ashamed of yourself for thinking only one F is not a disgrace to this family. Go up to your room and think about what you've done and what you intend to do to make it right."
Current day...
"Mom, here's my report card. I got all D's and only one F."
" Which teacher GAVE you an F? Is that the one that's always sending home a ton of homework for you to do each night. I don't know how she expects you to finish all that mess. She gets on my nerves with that. She's lucky I don't go to those PTA meetings, cuz I'd beat her @ss, stressin my child out like that."
...kid only half listening, because he's about to get to the next level in his PSP game.
"She got my pressure all up. Go on up to your room til dinner gets here. What do you want pizza or chinese?"
Back in the Day...
...crying...
"Mom, I have something to tell you. I'm in trouble."
Mother faints. Father while shedding a tear, says to his daughter...
"You have two options. Marry that good-for-nothing boy that did this to you OR go down to Charlotte and stay with your Aunt Lila until you're due and then give the baby to a good family to raise like their own. It breaks my heart that you've brought this kind of shame to our family. We work so hard to give you kids a good life."
Current Day...
...kinda scared...
"Mom, I'm pregnant."
"Who's the father?"
"Kevin, he's the only one it could be. I haven't been with Charles like that since the beginning of the year."
"So, what are you gonna do?"
"I want to keep it."
"What did he say about that?"
"I haven't told him yet. But, it's my body. I don't need him for this."
What happened to that good old fashioned healthy dose of shame. The more our culture mandates that everything is acceptable, the less shame we've felt about our behavior. On the one hand, the lack of shame has been helpful. Victims of violent crimes like rape and molestation shouldn't feel ashamed of what they've been through. But, I'm all for bringing back the shame for being a teen mom, being arrested, doing drugs, and being ignorant. Usually things are brought out of the darkness to enlighten others and provide a teaching point. All we've learned from taking the shame away from these acts is what kind of baby shower a 15 year old likes, how to do your time 'with honor', which drugs are considered 'cool' and that school isn't cool. We've become so used to such things that we're desensitized and we end up rationalizing the behavior, instead of trying to correct it.
Come on now, we know that's not right. We should be ashamed of ourselves.
Holla
Back in the day...
"Mom, here's my report card. I got all D's and only one F."
"ONLY ONE F. There's no such thing as ONLY ONE F. Why did you get an F? You should've studied more. You should be ashamed of yourself for thinking only one F is not a disgrace to this family. Go up to your room and think about what you've done and what you intend to do to make it right."
Current day...
"Mom, here's my report card. I got all D's and only one F."
" Which teacher GAVE you an F? Is that the one that's always sending home a ton of homework for you to do each night. I don't know how she expects you to finish all that mess. She gets on my nerves with that. She's lucky I don't go to those PTA meetings, cuz I'd beat her @ss, stressin my child out like that."
...kid only half listening, because he's about to get to the next level in his PSP game.
"She got my pressure all up. Go on up to your room til dinner gets here. What do you want pizza or chinese?"
Back in the Day...
...crying...
"Mom, I have something to tell you. I'm in trouble."
Mother faints. Father while shedding a tear, says to his daughter...
"You have two options. Marry that good-for-nothing boy that did this to you OR go down to Charlotte and stay with your Aunt Lila until you're due and then give the baby to a good family to raise like their own. It breaks my heart that you've brought this kind of shame to our family. We work so hard to give you kids a good life."
Current Day...
...kinda scared...
"Mom, I'm pregnant."
"Who's the father?"
"Kevin, he's the only one it could be. I haven't been with Charles like that since the beginning of the year."
"So, what are you gonna do?"
"I want to keep it."
"What did he say about that?"
"I haven't told him yet. But, it's my body. I don't need him for this."
What happened to that good old fashioned healthy dose of shame. The more our culture mandates that everything is acceptable, the less shame we've felt about our behavior. On the one hand, the lack of shame has been helpful. Victims of violent crimes like rape and molestation shouldn't feel ashamed of what they've been through. But, I'm all for bringing back the shame for being a teen mom, being arrested, doing drugs, and being ignorant. Usually things are brought out of the darkness to enlighten others and provide a teaching point. All we've learned from taking the shame away from these acts is what kind of baby shower a 15 year old likes, how to do your time 'with honor', which drugs are considered 'cool' and that school isn't cool. We've become so used to such things that we're desensitized and we end up rationalizing the behavior, instead of trying to correct it.
Come on now, we know that's not right. We should be ashamed of ourselves.
Holla
Little Girls With Perms
Back in the day, getting your hair permed was akin to being able to date, wearing makeup and other female rights of passage. This doesn't seem to be the case anymore. I live in a multicultural neighborhood and I see many little black girls (African-Americans and early generation West African-American) with permed hair. Some of these little girls can't be more than 10 and their hair looks like it has been chewed up by some kind of hair monster.
This has GOT to affect their self esteem as they become teenagers and young women. How we look plays a big part in how we see ourselves and helping us to determine our self worth. If you're the parent of a kinky or nappy headed little girl, when you slap a perm in it to make it more 'manageable' what message are you sending to her? Are you communicating to her that her natural hair is not good enough? Are you sure?
This is not a rant against perms. I think you should do you. I'm not a natural-nazi or a perm hater. But, I think the Perm Methodology should be similar to the way long division is taught. Remember when you were in 4th grade and were first introduced to long division. Your teacher wouldn't let you use a calculator to complete your assignments. Her rationale was that you need to understand how the process works before you can start using shortcuts.
Similarly, women should learn the ins and outs of their natural hair before changing it chemically. If you can maintain a head of healthy hair on your head before a perm, arguably, you can do the same once you perm it. Plus, if more kinky/nappy haired women would wear their hair natural, it would give little girls a few more role models. It's nice to have someone that looks like you to look up to.
There are 5 year olds out there right now whose parents are planning to get their back to school weaves. There's nothing wrong with weaves. But, come on, how do you take gym without worrying about the tracks falling out? That's alot of pressure for an elementary schooler.
Just think about it.
Let's go back to the natural ponytail puffs.
Slick it down with a little water and grease.
That wasn't so bad, was it?
Holla
This has GOT to affect their self esteem as they become teenagers and young women. How we look plays a big part in how we see ourselves and helping us to determine our self worth. If you're the parent of a kinky or nappy headed little girl, when you slap a perm in it to make it more 'manageable' what message are you sending to her? Are you communicating to her that her natural hair is not good enough? Are you sure?
This is not a rant against perms. I think you should do you. I'm not a natural-nazi or a perm hater. But, I think the Perm Methodology should be similar to the way long division is taught. Remember when you were in 4th grade and were first introduced to long division. Your teacher wouldn't let you use a calculator to complete your assignments. Her rationale was that you need to understand how the process works before you can start using shortcuts.
Similarly, women should learn the ins and outs of their natural hair before changing it chemically. If you can maintain a head of healthy hair on your head before a perm, arguably, you can do the same once you perm it. Plus, if more kinky/nappy haired women would wear their hair natural, it would give little girls a few more role models. It's nice to have someone that looks like you to look up to.
There are 5 year olds out there right now whose parents are planning to get their back to school weaves. There's nothing wrong with weaves. But, come on, how do you take gym without worrying about the tracks falling out? That's alot of pressure for an elementary schooler.
Just think about it.
Let's go back to the natural ponytail puffs.
Slick it down with a little water and grease.
That wasn't so bad, was it?
Holla
The Cold Hard Truth
Have we become so politically correct that we are not being true to ourselves?
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about how we use all these euphamisms to turn our negatives into positives.
She's not fat, she's 'curvy'.
He's not fat, he's 'stocky' or a 'big guy'. Now after watching Celebrity Fit Club, let's just keep it real, Bone Crusher is fat. really really fat. not big boned as he likes to say.
Now, if she thinks she's curvy and not fat, is she going to work out? Is she going to eat properly? Take care of her health? Doesn't she still look in the mirror and see a fat girl? Won't her inner voice be in competition with what she's presenting?
And it's not just about size. We have all these different names for 'dark' skin. If being dark isn't bad, why do we need a zillion euphamisms for it. Mocha, Chocolate, Toasty Caramel with Honey Chips, etc. All that's doing is making me hungry. But you know what? Maybe that's getting into a much deeper darker chocolatey issue that should have it's own blog entry. LOL
I was fired from a job once. I wasn't let go or layed off. I was unceremoniously fired. Escorted out with my stuff in a trash bag. No euphamism is going to make that day seem less humiliating.
I was dumped once too. We didn't break up. He just pretended that I didn't exist. For 2 years. hahaha (he eventually came back - the water under the bridge was frozen by then though - but that's a story for another post) Calling it anything other than what it was would diminish the growth that I experienced trying to get through that situation.
What are some other negatives that we try to dress up with pretty words?
Holla
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about how we use all these euphamisms to turn our negatives into positives.
She's not fat, she's 'curvy'.
He's not fat, he's 'stocky' or a 'big guy'. Now after watching Celebrity Fit Club, let's just keep it real, Bone Crusher is fat. really really fat. not big boned as he likes to say.
Now, if she thinks she's curvy and not fat, is she going to work out? Is she going to eat properly? Take care of her health? Doesn't she still look in the mirror and see a fat girl? Won't her inner voice be in competition with what she's presenting?
And it's not just about size. We have all these different names for 'dark' skin. If being dark isn't bad, why do we need a zillion euphamisms for it. Mocha, Chocolate, Toasty Caramel with Honey Chips, etc. All that's doing is making me hungry. But you know what? Maybe that's getting into a much deeper darker chocolatey issue that should have it's own blog entry. LOL
I was fired from a job once. I wasn't let go or layed off. I was unceremoniously fired. Escorted out with my stuff in a trash bag. No euphamism is going to make that day seem less humiliating.
I was dumped once too. We didn't break up. He just pretended that I didn't exist. For 2 years. hahaha (he eventually came back - the water under the bridge was frozen by then though - but that's a story for another post) Calling it anything other than what it was would diminish the growth that I experienced trying to get through that situation.
What are some other negatives that we try to dress up with pretty words?
Holla
Out & About - 8/5/06
I have a friend that is considering dating a white guy. She's black. It's 2006, it shouldn't be a big deal, but, for her, it is. Will people stare at them when they go out? You know, that whole bit. So, while me and another girlfriend of mine were at Lauriole Plaza on Saturday night, we decided to count the number of interracial couples we saw.
Ok, between the chips & salsa and margarita swirls, it was hard to focus on much. But, we did notice a few couples. Later on we headed to Sequoia's and on the way there, walking through Georgetown, we saw quite a few more. Maybe this thing isn't as taboo anymore. Did all these women see Sanaa Lathan's movie Something New and decide to open up their options? Whatever makes you happy is what I say. You can spend a lifetime worrying about what other people think. Just don't date someone of another race thinking they are going to be totally different than the folks in your race. No, all white girls are not easy and docile. No all black girls are not uptight with attitudes. All black guys are not players and all white guys are not sensitive. Get over the stereotype and get on with life.
Ok, between the chips & salsa and margarita swirls, it was hard to focus on much. But, we did notice a few couples. Later on we headed to Sequoia's and on the way there, walking through Georgetown, we saw quite a few more. Maybe this thing isn't as taboo anymore. Did all these women see Sanaa Lathan's movie Something New and decide to open up their options? Whatever makes you happy is what I say. You can spend a lifetime worrying about what other people think. Just don't date someone of another race thinking they are going to be totally different than the folks in your race. No, all white girls are not easy and docile. No all black girls are not uptight with attitudes. All black guys are not players and all white guys are not sensitive. Get over the stereotype and get on with life.
My New Home
Well, I decided to start doing a blog since I wasn't keeping up with the yahoo website. This way, I can quickly jot down my random thoughts.
Maybe I should start this thing by introducing myself. I'm Penni. I like long walks on the beach, candlelight...sike, just kidding. I'm not on some match.com ish with this blog. I just like to talk about the things I see when I'm hanging out with my peeps, issues that affect my community, and random deep thoughts that overcome me.
So, check me out.
Maybe I should start this thing by introducing myself. I'm Penni. I like long walks on the beach, candlelight...sike, just kidding. I'm not on some match.com ish with this blog. I just like to talk about the things I see when I'm hanging out with my peeps, issues that affect my community, and random deep thoughts that overcome me.
So, check me out.
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